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Distance parenting

By Andy Gregory on January 23, 2014

Mother And Daughter Meeting With Male Teacher

Can you call? Can you see their grades? What’s a parent to do?

You’ve dropped off your student at their new UBC residence building or waved goodbye in the airport terminal and suddenly they’re on their own—and so are you. But what if they encounter challenges? What if they need your help? What is a parent or guardian to do?

A balanced approach

It’s widely acknowledged among mental health professionals that the following parenting approaches can hinder youth from developing into independent, resilient adults:

  • Helicopter parenting—flies in at the first sign of trouble.
  • Snowplow parenting—clears their student’s path of all obstacles.

Rather, healthy development depends significantly on youth having opportunities to solve problems, overcome obstacles and take reasonable risks independently, without parental intervention.

But you don’t want to step out of the picture entirely.

So what is a balanced approach to distance parenting your university student, which empowers them to discover their independence, resilience and agency, while making sure they know they can turn to you for support when needed?

While there’s no magic formula, here are some pointers to help you address a few common issues.

Missed messages

Especially in the first few months at university, you might feel like you’re not hearing from your student as often as you’d like and/or they’re not responding to your messages or phone calls as quickly as you’d hoped.

This situation is very common and totally normal, with all the competing demands on a student’s time and attention while they’re getting used to the pace and demands of life at university.

Try this

Make a communication plan

Before they leave or early in the year, develop a communication plan with your student to agree on:

  • How often to communicate
  • Who will initiate
  • What the best method is (i.e., text messages, WhatsApp messages, audio calls, video calls, etc.)
  • How quickly they should reply to you and vice versa
  • What kind of topics are up for discussion (i.e., grades, money, wellbeing, social life, etc.).

Do your best to make the plan a collaborative effort. If your student helps develop the plan and feels a sense of ownership over it, they’ll be more likely to stick to it.

Give them space

Life at university is involved and complex, with a lot to navigate. Students are often caught up with numerous competing demands and don’t always have the time, attention or energy to reply right away or take every call.

It’s perfectly normal if you’ve messaged or called and they don’t get back to you right away. Consider giving them a bit longer to reply than you might prefer.

Remember that university is a time of self-discovery and a great opportunity for your student to exercise their own agency, freedom and judgment—and discover more about what it means to be a responsible adult. Giving them space supports their journey into adulthood.

Venting time

Get ready for it. You’re bound to get at least one phone call home that involves your student venting about one (or more) issues, whether it’s a conflict with a roommate or neighbour, a difficult class or assignment, or any mix of the challenging emotions that come along with their university adventure.

But remember, venting is literally a way to release pressure—to blow off some steam. It is not necessarily a request for you to jump in and solve the problem for them.

Try this

Instead of diving in with a solution, ask the following question at some point in the conversation:

“Would you like me to listen to you, or would you like me to listen and offer advice?â€

Note that this question doesn’t ask “would you like me to solve the problem for you?â€

Asking the question about what kind of support your student would like keeps them in the driver’s seat; it tells them that the direction of the conversation is in their hands.

Grades

Grades at UBC are communicated directly to students and, like all of your student’s personal information and records, they are protected by BC’s Freedom of Information and Protection of Privacy Act (FIPPA).

If your student is reluctant to share their grades, there could be many reasons, which may or may not be an indicator of how well they are performing.

Try this

Discuss your expectations early: Have a conversation before they leave for UBC, or early in the year, to establish that you expect to see and discuss grades at the end of each term. That way, when you ask later, it’s the natural outcome of that agreement, rather than prying into their affairs.

Keep it neutral: When you ask to see or discuss their grades, try to keep a neutral tone, so your student knows the conversation is about helping them measure and track their progress, rather than about judgment, criticism or failed expectations.

Having said all that, there is a way for parents to directly access some records, such as a student’s grades, if the student submits a third-party authorization to the university.

Substance use

An important conversation to consider having with your student is about substance use—alcohol, cannabis, nicotine and other substances—no matter how challenging, to discuss expectations and risks.

It’s recommended to have a conversation with your student about this subject, no matter how challenging, to discuss expectations and risks.

When to lean in

Maybe your student hasn’t returned your calls. Maybe you’ve got a feeling that something’s up. Whatever the case, there is a role for parents in ensuring the health, wellbeing and safety of their student.

First and foremost, learn more about the resources available at UBC and in the community, and encourage and advise your student on how to access relevant resources directly.

By coaching them to seek the supports and resources they need, you’ll help reinforce and strengthen their resilience and self-efficacy, both of which are essential qualities for success at university and in the future.

Resources at UBC

 

Know where to find help

Take some time to familiarize yourself with these UBC resources:

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Making friends

By Andy Gregory on January 23, 2014

By Sam Horton, UBC student

Before coming to UBC I was the perpetual “new kid.†I had attended ten schools by the time I was 16 and lived all over the United States. Today, I can proudly say that I have mastered the art of friend-making. And with these tips, you can too.

1. Residence is where it’s at

Residence is the best place to make friends. Many of your new neighbours are new to UBC and looking for people to hang out, study, eat meals and explore with. These folks will become your second family, so get to know them. Attend your floor and community meetings and be sure to get out to residence and campus-wide welcome events—that’s where a lot of people connect for the first time.

2. Open doors

Here’s an easy way to meet people: when you’re in your room just leave your door open. That signals to your floor mates that you want to get to know them. Look up and smile when people walk by. Chances are, they’ll peek into your room and give you a smile or a wave, too. And when you walk down the hall, take your floor mates’ open doors as a signal to say hi.

3. Send positive signals

If you want to make friends, look approachable. Some people don’t get this. They wear their earphones, check their phone or avoid making eye contact. Those things send a signal—whether it’s right or wrong—that they don’t want to interact. To appear approachable, sit at a large table in the dining hall or library. Smile, make eye contact and say hi when someone sits down. And invite others to join you—it could be the beginning of a new group of friends.

4. Take it online

Social media is a great way to get to know other UBC students and residents. Search for groups for your school year, residence or floor. Most people are looking to meet new friends, so make sure you introduce yourself in real life too!

5. Remember, we’re all in this together

One last thing: we’re all adults here, and you can be friends with anyone, of any age, in any year. We’re all here to learn, grow and make new friends.

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Money matters

By Andy Gregory on January 22, 2014

Student making online purchase

By Sam Horton, UBC student

Money is a common concern for students. Consider these tips for keeping your budget out of the red.

Categorize your expenses

1. The necessary

These are things that you’ll need to spend money on. They include food, clothing, textbooks, study materials, bedding, shower supplies and laundry supplies.

2. The helpful

These are things that you could consider buying, depending on your budget. They include a good umbrella, sturdy walking shoes, an alarm clock, basic cleaning supplies, a bicycle and a mini-fridge. Check for deals at UBC Bookstore.

3. The fun

These are expenses you might consider on weekends or your time off. They include AMS events, going to the movies, eating at restaurants, gym memberships, buying gifts for friends and family, or taking a trip to Whistler.

Ways to save

1. Get a job

I wanted the security of a steady income stream, so I got a part-time job. I worked at the Totem Park dining room in my first year, and it helped. Not only was I making money, I was working near home and the hours fit my academic schedule.

2. Use a drying rack

I recommend investing in an inexpensive rack to dry laundry in your room. You’ll avoid extra trips to the dryer and save some serious money, too. Let’s face it, the more you save on laundry, the more you have to spend on things that make you happy.

3. Choose cheaper

Fun activities will probably draw most of your cash, so consider your options carefully. Instead of going to the movie theatre, you could rent or download movies, or buy a UBC Film Society membership for cheap movies all year. And you probably don’t need to eat at top-rated restaurants. There are plen­ty of cheap, decent eateries within walking distance of campus. As for the gym, take advantage of the residence fitness rooms—they don’t require a membership.

 

Happy saving!

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Spirituality

By Andy Gregory on January 24, 2014

UBC Nitobe Garden

By Carol Young, Student Housing and Community Services

What is spirituality?

Spirituality can be defined in many ways. Broadly, it is seeking self-awareness, meaning and understanding of our experiences in the world. It is searching for a connection to something bigger than ourselves.

Often university is a time when you become more aware of what has formed and informed you as you connect with others who hold similar and different views. As your perspectives are affirmed and challenged, you sift through those exchanges to discover what it is that you value and what gives your life meaning.

Exploring your spirituality

No matter how you choose to explore spirituality, it is an opportunity for self-reflection about yourself and how you connect to the world. Some questions to consider include:

  • What influenced how I was formed and how does that impact the way in which I see and engage others?
  • Do things happen for a reason?
  • How do I extend gratitude to the world?
  • How am I called to improve the lives of others?
  • How have my experiences from the past couple of years changed me? And what learnings will I carry forward from this time to help navigate future challenges and circumstances that come my way?

Ways to explore spirituality

At UBC, you have many options for exploring your spirituality, if you choose to. How you practice is entirely up to you. Here are some ideas:

Connect with nature

Take a walk in Pacific Spirit Park, Nitobe Memorial Garden or on Tower Beach.

Connect with people

Engage people in discussions that deepen or challenge your ideas. Seek out spiritual resources and amenities on campus.

Volunteer

Take part in a service learning or volunteer opportunity to experience the joy of giving back.

Start a journal

Record thoughts and feelings, express gratitude and reflect on big decisions and everyday encounters.

Reflect

Meditate, pray or worship—alone or with others. Exploring spirituality for some students may come through an association with a church, temple, mosque or synagogue. Other students may choose to pray, meditate or find comfort in a personal relationship with God or a higher power. Every student’s spiritual journey is unique.

Spirituality is concerned with those qualities of the human spirit—such as love and compassion, patience, tolerance, forgiveness, contentment, a sense of responsibility, a sense of harmony—which brings happiness to both self and others.

Excerpt from Ancient Wisdom, Modern World: Ethics for the New Millennium by Tenzin Gyatso, the Fourteenth Dalai Lama. Published by Little, Brown and Company, United Kingdom.

Chaplains at UBC

Another way some students explore their spirituality is with Chaplains at UBC, which helps members of the UBC community engage with their spirituality and faith.

The word chaplain was originally associated with the Christian faith, but is now a widely used and accepted term to refer to men and women who represent many religions or philosophical traditions.

The current membership includes Buddhist, Muslim, Jewish, Christian, and Bahá’í representation. Among Christian denominations you will find representatives from the Anglican, Baptist, Brethren Tradition, Pentecostal, Presbyterian, Roman Catholic, and United Churches.

Most chaplains offer one-on-one pastoral or spiritual counselling and other opportunities to explore the faith that they represent, like fellowship groups, meals, worship, faith exploration and training, or study. These groups are a good way to have fun, make friends and explore some of the big questions of life.

Learn more

Religion and spirituality
Learn more about religion and spirituality at UBC, including spiritual practices and spiritual resources—such as Chaplains at UBC, multifaith prayer rooms, and student-run organizations.

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Steps to Success

By Andy Gregory on January 24, 2014

Students studying together

By Andy Chen and Humaira Hamid, UBC students

Many new students struggle with questions such as, “How tough are my courses going to be? Will I be able to keep up? What if I need extra help?” Good news! UBC has resources for students to build exceptional study and learning skills.

Use available resources

  • Professors and teaching assistants (TAs) are available after class and during office hours to help with assignments and difficult material. Don’t be afraid to ask.
  • UBC offers a range of free resources including study tips, writing strategies, and citation guides.
  • UBC Chapman Learning Commons has helpful resources and tools for learning more effectively.

Re-think lectures

Professors have limited time to cover course material in lectures, so they focus on what’s most important. Stay on top of your reading and assignments, and consider lectures as an opportunity to review material you’ve already covered on your own. Most professors recommend 2–3 hours of study outside class for every hour in class.

Make peace with exams

They’re unavoidable. Exams are part of university life. Prepare the best you can but don’t get discouraged by lower-than-expected grades at first. Many students need time to adjust to university life.

Connect and engage

Try connecting with people in your classes. Making friends or forming study groups with like-minded students is a great way to stay motivated.

Manage your time

When scheduling classes, consider this:

  • Is your course load manageable? Many courses include labs, discussions or tutorials on top of lecture hours.
  • Have you left time for breaks? It can be tempting to schedule courses back-to-back, but you’ll need time to eat, socialize and chill.

Kickstart your career

Make the most of your time at UBC and get a head start on your career. Get started with a wide range of UBC tools and resources or build experience by developing and applying your skills and knowledge through local and international opportunities.

Understand plagiarism

Plagiarism means using the thoughts or words of another author and passing them off as your own. Plagiarism is not tolerated at UBC and can quickly end your university career.

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Plagiarism

By Andy Gregory on January 23, 2014

Stressed student working on assignment in library

By Guy Robertson, contributor

Plagiarism is easy. Surf the Internet for 2,000 intelligent words on Shakespeare, print and submit. A week later, your prof returns your essay with an “A.†Won’t everybody be surprised, especially your prof, that you know so much about Hamlet? Your academic record stays with you for the rest of your life. Cheating in any way is just not worth the risk. Ever.

How do they know?

You’re under 30 and a high school grad. But your essay makes you sound like a much older scholar, with a formidable vocabulary and a mature turn of phrase. Profs are very sensitive to your natural style. So when you submit an essay that doesn’t sound like you, they start looking for other inconsistencies.

Then there’s your research. You’ve had only a week to write your paper, but your bibliography indicates a lengthy perusal of scholarly resources. You’ve cited articles in obscure journals to which the university doesn’t subscribe. You’ve quoted out-of-print books and dead Shakespeareans. Your prof is familiar with many of these sources and their authors. She wonders how you’ve absorbed so much information so quickly.

It’s easy to get caught

Suspecting plagiarism, your prof transmits some of your sentences to a website that compares them with all other online sources. Seconds later, you’re caught. The prof has evidence that you have presented another person’s work as your own. The university will accuse you of plagiarism.

The consequences

Your prof might give you an opportunity to admit the truth. Some cases merit leniency, but most lead to an investigation by a disciplinary committee. You could be suspended from the university or permanently expelled.

There are long-term results of plagiarism, too. And they can be even more unpleasant. Family members can react badly, expressing shame, anger, disappointment and hostility. Friends and fellow students can be unsympathetic. And professional schools and graduate programs shun anyone with a record of any form of cheating.

Books, magazines and paper mills count, too

The Internet is not the only source of material for plagiarism, merely the most current. Plagiarists have also relied on encyclopedias, magazines and newspaper articles, and essays submitted by other students. But plagiarists can make stupid mistakes. At UBC during the 1970s, a student submitted a paper on mythology. The prof commended the student for excellent work, but failed him. Why? Because the student had plagiarized a paper by the professor’s wife, who was an expert on mythology and taught in the same department.

Plagiarists also sometimes submit essays from paper mills, paying to select one from the mill’s files. The quality of these products can be high. But remember, profs will easily sniff out bogus-sounding work. If you can’t answer questions about your own paper, or elaborate on certain points you made, you’ll be under suspicion.

Leaving out info is also plagiarism

Sometimes a student finds a useful passage in a book or article and simply inserts it into her essay without a source. When you obscure the real author by leaving out footnotes and bibliographical information, you’re committing plagiarism.

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How parents can help

By Sean on January 17, 2014

Mother and daughter looking at computer together

Parents frequently ask, “what can I do to support my student?” or “what things should we be prepared for?†While every family is unique, we’ve observed some common themes over many years of living and working with new university students.

Before they leave for university

Parents can be supportive and trusting, encourage independence, and provide a safety net. Here are some recommendations:

Book recommendation!

Pick up a copy of Don’t Tell Me What To Do, Just Send Money—The Essential Parenting Guide to the College Years, by Helen Johnson and Christine Schelhas-Miller. It offers a clear, relatively current look at issues students and parents will face. If you only have time to read one book as your student starts university, make it this one.

While they’re away

It’s important to stay in communication

While it’s important to connect regularly, don’t wait by your laptop or phone to hear back. Students may want to know more about what’s going on at home and be less inclined to return your call or message and let you know what’s going on with them.

Consider making a communication plan to help set expectations.

Accept that you won’t know every detail of your student’s life

Remember that returning your call or text often will not be their first priority.

Show care and concern about their lives

Ask questions, but try not to invade their privacy. Often students want to let you know what is happening at their own pace.

Be prepared for “the phone callâ€

Often it comes just after midterms or near the end of first term. At that point, work is piling up, marks aren’t what they’d expected, they’re feeling overwhelmed and not as resilient as usual. They’re upset and, chances are, they’re going to call you.

But don’t panic. Remember that this is normal and, as much as you’d like to alleviate their stress, you cannot (and should not) fix their problems. They will rely on you to reassure them they can successfully work through the challenges.

Consider sending a care package

You can also purchase UCare gift packages—a sure sign of care, concern and support.

Visiting UBC?

If you think a brief visit would be beneficial, UBC offers hotel rooms and suites right here on campus.

When they visit home

Anticipating challenges

The dynamic when your student returns home, during any breaks or at the end of the academic year, may be more challenging now that your student has spent time experiencing life on their own.

For several months they’ve been concerned with only their daily routine—not the family’s. Sometimes they come home with a new outlook and new expectations for family members. It’s a transitional time for everyone.

Ways to support a positive dynamic

Stock up on favourite foods for your visiting student—and have plenty of laundry detergent on hand! Even though student life might be going well, be careful about romanticizing about university life as the best years of one’s life. For a student who may be struggling with exams, papers and career worries, this may not provide the intended comfort or reassurance.

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Overcoming Loneliness

By Andy Gregory on January 22, 2014

A lonely girl in a coffee shop

It is normal for students to feel a little lonely when they arrive at university and at times throughout the year. The secret to feeling that you belong at a big place like UBC is to find a smaller place—a smaller group of people, a smaller community, within this larger community—and begin to meet others, one at a time. Loneliness is overcome one hello, one conversation, and one friendship at a time.

Ways to combat loneliness and build a supportive community

1. Live in residence. It’s one of the best ways to meet people, adjust and succeed at university.

2. Hang out in the residence lounge, not in your room.

3. Attend residence events—particularly those early in the year.

4. Eat with others. If you live in first year residence, your floor or house may have tables in the dining hall where they typically sit. Invite your roommates or floormates to go with you, or ask your Residence Advisor, who is likely heading that way to eat too—and would be glad to have company. If you go by yourself and there’s someone at the table you haven’t met, sit down near them and  introduce yourself!

5. Say hi to someone you don’t know. It’s the best pathway to friendship! Starting a conversation can feel intimidating, and it’s likely the other person is just as hesitant. Here are some great conversation starters:

  • How was your move in? When did you arrive?
  • Where do you call home?
  • What faculty are you in?
  • What are you going to do this weekend?

6. If you want company, leave your door open when you’re home. Fellow residents will stop and say hello.

7. Stay engaged on your floor or house social media accounts and check out the bulletin boards around residence that announce events and activities to see what’s going on and find some to check out. It’s fine to go by yourself!

8. Talk to a Residence Advisor. Ask them what activities they’re planning and let them know the kinds of things you would enjoy doing or trying.

9. Attend AMS Clubs Day or visit AMS Clubs to see if there’s a club that interests you. Successful students tell us that getting involved in campus organizations was a key factor in building campus connections.

10. Consider getting involved with your residence association!

11. If you continue to have a hard time and still feel lonely, you can talk with a Residence Advisor or the Residence Life Manager. RAs or RLMs can’t fix the problem—but they’ll listen and try to help you find the answer that works.

Additional Resources

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